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MIND, BODY, and SOUL SCENE: The starting line of a marathon. A kaleidoscope of runners mill around in running gear. They stretch, jog in place, take deep breaths, and ponder what the next 26 miles will bring. Some are laughing and chatting, others are oblivious in their own mental cocoons. They are collectively more carbo-loaded than a Montana wheat field. Among them stands a middle-aged man attempting his first marathon. He started with light jogging six months prior, and gradually escalated to a single-minded obsession with this one race. He has done short, fast runs. He has done long, slow runs. He has eaten ibuprofen like it is Pez. His devotion to this event is rewarded on this day by an unusual self-awareness. His mind, body, and soul are in such perfect balance today that they become separately distinguishable within him. This is their story.
THE STARTER'S PISTOL FIRES AND RUNNERS CASCADE ACROSS THE STARTING LINE. OUR HERO REACHES THE LINE AND GETS UNDERWAY.
SOUL: Can you get over this? What an experience! What a day! I am giddy simply to exist.
MIND: Settle down. This is a long race. There's plenty of time to soak it in.
BODY: Guys! Look over there! A college girl is running in her track team uniform! I don't think there were girls that cute when we were in college.
MIND: Focus! You can't afford to think about such things today. We need your full effort out here. And by the way, there were girls who looked like that when we were in college but we hardly ever got to talk to any of them, Mr. First Impression.
BODY: Hey, I walked up to plenty of them and you're the one who couldn't carry on a conversation without mentioning our ham radio. That always worked out great, eh?
SOUL: Guys! Cut it out! This is a day to enjoy and cherish.
MIND: I suppose you're right. Carry on.
BODY: Got it.
MILE THREE. THE COLLEGE GIRL HAS RUN AHEAD AND DISAPPEARED FROM VIEW. A DRINK STATION APPEARS.
MIND: Body, grab a water up here.
BODY: Why? My mouth's not even dry. It's a little chilly out here and I'm afraid I'll spill some on myself and get even colder. Can't we wait until the next drink station?
MIND: Listen. We talked about this before. You knew you weren't going to be ready for water at this point but that you needed it for later. Now do what I say.
BODY: Okay.
MILE FIVE. THE PACK HAS THINNED OUT A LITTLE AND OUR HERO HAS SETTLED INTO HIS PLANNED RACE PACE. ALL IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.
BODY: Um, guys? I really can't believe I'm saying this, but after all that training we did, and the good rest we got just recently, this pace feels really easy. Almost slow, even.
SOUL: This day is so perfect I feel like everything is in slow motion. That bird over there is flapping its wings two and a half times per second.
BODY: I really feel like we could be going faster.
MIND: Really? I was wondering the same thing because of some of the people I have seen up ahead of us. There's a lady up there who looks ten years older than us. And did you see that guy who passed us a couple of minutes ago? I swear it was the teacher guy from "Welcome Back Kotter." Plus, he was wearing one of those little stretchy things that holds on your glasses. You know how I don't like losing to anybody who wears one of those stretchy things for his glasses.
BODY: Should I speed up a little and pass him, then?
MIND: Well, I kind of hate to ask since you're the one doing most of the work today, but since you brought it up, sure, let's pick things up a little. If you start feeling a little tired we can always back off to our planned pace.
BODY: Got it. Here we go.
SOUL: Ah, the glory of the human spirit! Brothers, today we shall exceed our expectations!
(MIND makes BODY roll its eyes and shake its head).
MILE EIGHT
MIND: I just noticed something, guys. At this pace, our foot-striking cadence goes perfect with the song "These Boots are Made for Walking." Check it out: bum boom boom boom boom boom boom, bum boom boom boom boom boom boom. That's kind of funny. Exactly two beats per stride. "One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you bum boom boom boom boom boom boom boom." I never really cared for that song.
BODY: Was Nancy Sinatra cute?
MILE TWELVE. THE COURSE BECOMES SLIGHTLY HILLY.
MIND: Mile twelve! Hey, that's almost halfway. I realize the hard part is still to come, but can you believe how easy this has been?
SOUL: A joy to behold. I feel like this red-headed guy we've been behind for the last couple of miles is a brother. Run strong to the finish, brother! We are with you, kindred spirit!
BODY: Um, guys?
MIND: You know, I guess that twelve miles is really only half of twenty-four miles. Considering how hard the last two miles could feel, I guess it's pretty premature to think of this as almost halfway. I apologize for being exuberant. Let's stay on task.
BODY: Guys?
SOUL: No problem, Mind! It is natural to be optimistic when experiencing something beyond expectations.
BODY: Guys! I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I'm not so sure this faster pace is going to work for me all the way to the finish line.
MIND: Oh, we never really expected that from you when we sped up back there. Don't be so hard on yourself. Do we need to slow down?
SOUL: There is no shame in admitting weakness, so long as one is able to accept and celebrate his limitations.
BODY: Well, I'm not saying I need to slow down immediately. It's just that I don't think I can do this all the way to the end. Let's just keep going and reevaluate in a few more miles.
MIND: Okay. That sounds good. Besides, it's not like our pre-race goal was terribly aggressive. We set that goal conservatively, figuring that we had trained you sufficiently for more.
BODY: I suppose.
MIND: Plus, I think that loop we trained on in the park is actually longer than the posted distance. I really think this pace will be okay for you.
BODY: Really?
MIND: Trust me.
MILE FIFTEEN. A SMALL CLUSTER OF SPECTATORS CHEERS FOR THE RUNNERS.
SOUL: I appreciate that those people are here to support us, but don't you think they feel guilty for standing around drinking hot chocolate while we're out here working so hard?
MIND: You know, that is a bit irritating. I think I saw one of them smoking a cigarette.
SOUL: Now that's just plain rude. What is that guy thinking? If he really wants to impair us why not smear a little motor oil on the road while he's at it?
MIND: No kidding...bum boom boom boom boom..
BODY: Hey guys, I'm pulling over to grab a water. Maybe I'll grab one at the front of the water station and then snag another one when we get to the end of it.
MIND: Sure. Just don't swallow any air with it. I hate when that happens. You get all choked up and it limits the oxygen supply up here.
MILE SEVENTEEN. THE COURSE HAS FLATTENED OUT AND A LONG, STRAIGHT STRETCH LOOMS.
MIND: Well, boys, were are now officially in the single digits. Only nine miles to go. Even if we back off to our original pace we're still going to beat our goal by at least five minutes.
SOUL: Really? I was thinking it was only like five miles to go. It seems like we've been out here longer than that.
MIND: Nope. Mile seventeen.
BODY: Guys, I'll give you to the end of this straightaway, but then we're going to need to back off this pace.
MIND: Are you sure?
BODY: Yeah, I'm sure. I'm also wondering if maybe we should have backed the pace down a while ago. I'm really starting to get a bit tired.
MIND: OK. Don't panic. We knew things would eventually get tough. Let's hang on until the end of the straightaway. I think I can even see mile eighteen up there. That will just leave us eight to go.
BODY: OK. But then we've got to back off.
MIND: I promise.
SOUL: You know, philosophically speaking, one can probably extract the same spiritual growth and life experience from a ten mile race as one can from a marathon. It's really unnecessary to run this far.
MIND: Shut up. Hey, there goes that guy with the stretchy thing on his glasses again. Now that I look at him more closely, his stride is a lot better than I realized before. There's no shame in finishing behind him...boom boom boom.
MILE NINETEEN. THE COMPLETION OF THE FIRST MILE BACK AT THE ORIGINALLY PLANNED PACE.
MIND: Okay, that one was right on our original pace. Nice job. Now we should be able to cruise to the finish and beat our goal.
SOUL: I have to say my goals for today have already been fulfilled. Any further distance covered will be nothing but sound and fury, signifying nothing.
MIND: That's a defeatist attitude. We didn't train for months to not beat our goal. Carry on boom boom boom.
BODY: Guys? I know that last mile was slower than we've been running, but I feel worse now than I did before we slowed down. I don't have a good feeling about this.
MIND: C'mon. We knew it would hurt in the home stretch. Just settle in and work through this last stretch.
BODY: I'm telling you I just don't know about this.
MIND: Your job is not to "know" anything. That's my job. Your job is to "do" so you just get over it and keep doing what we trained you to do.
SOUL: Earlier my spirit sensed joy and sunshine; now I sense bile and hate. Oh, woe...
BODY and MIND (together): Shut up!
MILE TWENTY-TWO.
BODY: Listen. I know those last three miles were a lot slower than our target pace, but I don't think it's helping. I'm not so sure about finishing this thing.
SOUL: Fine.
MIND: Stop it! Be quiet! I'm trying to figure out what our finish time will be. We got five minutes ahead when we were going ahead of pace...
BODY: And wasn't THAT a good plan.
MIND (continues): ...and now we've lost about three minutes in the last two miles. That means we're still two minutes ahead of pace. If we can just settle down and not panic, we can still pull this out. We can still meet our target.
BODY: What!? We're losing over a minute per mile and we've got four miles to go! And I'm not promising anything about even holding this pace to the end! What are you talking about still meeting our target?
MIND: I know you're hurting but I'm telling you we trained you for this. Fight through another mile and maybe some endorphins will kick in or something.
BODY and SOUL (together): Shut up!
MILE TWENTY-FOUR
BODY: Okay, what was the time on that last mile.
MIND: You don't want to know.
BODY: Why not?
SOUL: Because he doesn't want to break it to you that the last mile time required the use of an additional digit on the watch. Now get me to the end of this race before I go mad!
MIND: Hang on now, guys. Only two more, is it two? Yes, two more miles to go. Thousands of people have finished a marathon before.
SOUL: Sure they have. On this very course. Today.
MIND: No, I mean thousands of lesser trained people have finished these. I know it hurts and may not make sense to you now, but logic tells us that we will finish this race. I can't really explain how at the moment but I'm pretty sure that it makes sense. We trained as much as an average marathoner, and the average marathoner finishes the race.
BODY: Hey, look! Isn't that the college girl from earlier walking toward us down the street? Or am I hallucinating?
SOUL: Hey, I think you're right! If she had to stop then we shouldn't feel bad for stopping. She must be twenty years younger than us!
MIND: She has a medal around her neck. She finished and has already walked back this far.
BODY and SOUL (crestfallen): Oh.
MIND: Then again, maybe that medal is just some large jewelry. Was she wearing that at the beginning? Can you remember? No, it's too big and heavy to be jewelry. That wouldn't make any sense. Would it?
MILE MARKER TWENTY-FIVE. ONE MILE (AND POINT TWO) TO GO.
BODY: I want to die.
SOUL: Fine.
BODY: The stabbing pain in my thighs is worse than the pain from an actual stabbing.
MIND: Please don't quit now. We are so close. You wouldn't forgive yourself for stopping this close to the end boom boom boom.
BODY: It's just my job to "do." It's your job to "forgive." If you're so smart I'm sure you'd figure out a way to make that happen.
MIND: I'm telling you that we're so close. The finish must be around this next corner [pauses and turns corner], or surely the next corner. Please, God, let it be around the next corner.
SOUL: I can't believe I am associated with you two. You always have these grand plans and ideas, and inevitably Mind writes checks that Body can't cash. You two are a piece of work. And to think, I could have been given to a musician or an artist or ANYBODY besides a runner.
BODY: I am going to die.
MIND: Imagine if a squirrel ran out and tripped us right now. That would be the worst way to fail to finish a marathon. No, getting hit by an asteroid would be worse, but that's not really likely enough to happen to compare to a squirrel. Those little guys dart out into the street all the time. You have to factor in probability when comparing scenarios like that boom boom boom. Spontaneous combustion would also be bad.
SOUL: What are you talking about?
BODY: Ready to die, here.
MIND: Can't you tell I don't know what I'm talking about? Nothing makes sense anymore! I don't know why we're doing this. Why did we spend months training and eating carefully to just end up miserable?
SOUL: It was YOUR decision.
MIND: Sure, blame it on me. Who was the one going on and on about "glorious experiences" and all that when we first started training? You were more fired up than I was!
BODY: ...I see a light...heading toward the light...
SOUL: I don't think that's a reasonable...
BODY: Shut up! Shut up! Both of you just shut up! I've had it with you! I'm the one dying here! I'm the one who has run hundreds of miles in the last few months! I'm the one who has almost run 26 miles today! I'm the one whose shins you crack on coffee tables when you're not paying attention! I'm the one who drags you out of bed in the morning after you CHOOSE to stay up too late! I'm the one whose joints may never recover from this! You guys will bounce back, sure, but I'm the one suffering irreparable damage! That fool in Greece never would've run this far if he'd owned a car or even a relatively fleet donkey! I'm sick of it! I hate you both!
SOUL: Oh, the suffering!
MIND: Squirrel...boom boom...
BODY: Dying...dying...
FINISH LINE. OUR HERO STAGGERS ACROSS.
SOUL: Oh, merciful God, thank you that we can stop. Thank you thank you thank you.
MIND: Where are we? All I can see is pavement and feet. Why would that be? Where's the sky? What's going on?
BODY: Gack.
FINISH AREA THIRTY MINUTES LATER.
MIND: We did it! That was awful but we did it! I knew it would turn out okay.
SOUL: I confess I wavered a bit in my resolve, there, but we have now run a marathon! How many people can say that? That is truly a life experience to remember forever.
BODY: (whimpers)
MIND: You know, we didn't hit our target time, but if we had only taken it easier at the beginning we probably wouldn't have slowed down so much. We probably could have met our target today. Still, this wasn't too bad a finish time.
SOUL: True, but the joy is in the experience. Surely we have grown today.
BODY (meekly): I need to lie down...I need some easy-to-digest foods...I need more water...can we just go lie down someplace for a few days? Please?
SOUL: Did you hear something, Mind?
MIND: I thought I heard something. Maybe Body is complaining about something again.
SOUL: Oh. The whiner. I say we go experience that booth we saw with the bratwursts and funnel cakes.
THE END
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Copyright (c) 2008 by Mark Alan Stuart. All rights reserved.
The Ark of Mark is a periodic online Christian humor column. To join or exit the mailing list, please visit www.thearkofmark.com.
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